The G.A.S. Index

The Giving A Shit Index is based on 28 years of extensive research and evidence in the form of wildly speculative internal data sets. The line graph was drawn successfully after four prior attempts by a 35 year-old man. Soak it in.

As you can see, the G.A.S. Index clearly shows human beings are at the pinnacle of giving a shit about things at approximately 18 years of age. This particular age group seems to care a great deal about some of the most mundane, banal events in life. From freaking out over someone prematurely deleting an episode of Teen Wolf off of the TiVo in their bedroom, to having an aneurysm because Abercrombie sold out of their particular size of jeans – people in this age group tend to be hyper sensitive to any and every event imaginable. From 0 to about 6 years of age, human beings don’t really know what to care about(except eating sugar), until they are taught what to want through commercials(getting a secondary source of occasional moral guidance from friends and family too). Once they understand how much they should obsess over their appearance and social status, the “Giving a great deal of shits” phase of life can really hit a peak. Then, in their 20s and 30s, humans slowly begin to acknowledge their own mortality, as time and youth become precious and coveted commodities. Next, there is a brief pause for a mid-life crisis, where a final desperate attempt to hang onto youth manifests itself in the purchasing of exorbitant material items, and futile attempts at invasive, ineffective plastic surgeries. The G.A.S. index then plummets, as 50 to 60 year-old people throw caution to the wind, and begin to recklessly flaunt sagging genitals and gray pubic hair in health club locker rooms. Until finally, the inevitable 80 year-old and over stage finds a new mental state of mind. A mindset where the only things you still care about are getting a good seat at bingo, and having a 5-minute Skype session with your grandkids(who ironically, give far less of a shit about the importance of this event). Life has indeed come full circle.

– JA

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